I was reading a book last night. The main character was waiting for the verdict in a lawsuit against him and he called it the “gulp and wait” period. While I don’t find that particularly creative, something about it caught my attention. I can relate to it. In fact, right now I kind of feel like my life has given new meaning to the term, “Big Gulp.” Remember those at 7-11? Don’t know if they still have them or not, but whatever.
Here’s the deal. It’s been hanging over my head for a while, but tomorrow is finally the day that I go for a bone scan. I’ve had PET scans, MUGA scans and think I may have had a CT scan at some point as well. But, in reading, this bone scan thing looks like a slightly bigger deal. Similar, yes, but different. Different how? Well, my orders say to check into Mercy at 8AM. Be injected at 8:30 AM. That is referring, I’m sure, to the radioactive stuff they shoot into you. When you have a MUGA scan, you have to wait for 30 minutes after injection before they can do the scan and the scan probably takes about 15 minutes. When you have a PET scan, you have to sit for an hour after injection before they do the scan, but again, the scan itself takes about 15 – 20 minutes. According to the articles I have been reading, with a bone scan, you have to wait from 2 to 4 hours after injection before they do the scan and then the scan itself takes about an hour. That is an hour of lying on that table without moving. Sounds like a long day. But, it needs to be done and, in spite of my apprehension, I embrace it. It is, of course, the tool that could end up showing that my cancer has returned. However, it is also the tool that will hopefully show instead that there is nothing there. Without going through this, I can’t know that. So, that is the gulp part.
The Big Gulp is what happened last Thursday. I had an appointment with the eye doctor. Several years ago, I was diagnosed with Macular Degeneration. It is the dry kind, so while it’s not a good thing to have, it’s not that terrible either. It was scary at first, but I got over that a long time ago. I just have to make sure to get regular eye exams and eat lots of fruits and vegetables. I had kind of pushed it to the back burner with all of the other things I’ve been going through, so it got by me a bit and it had been over a year since I had seen the eye doctor. But Thursday morning, I went in. He ran me through all of the machines, etc and everything was looking good. He took pictures of the retina and said he could see a few more drusen in my right eye but the left looked the same. Then, the vision exam. He did the right eye first and I was surprised at the amount of difficulty I had reading the lines. I know that I have felt that my vision wasn’t as good as it used to be but didn’t realize how much it had deteriorated. When he checked the left eye, it tested the same as it had the last time I was in. He switched between the two to show me just how much difference there was, even with the stronger correction on the right. But, he said that last time he had noted a very small cataract on the right side and was guessing it had grown, so we would probably have to look at removing it. However, when he checked, he said the cataract had not grown at all. At that point, he didn’t even finish the exam. He said he was very concerned that there might be fluid behind there and that it might have progressed from dry to wet Macular Degeneration. He said he wasn’t even going to prescribe new lenses. He wanted to refer me to a specialist. All I could think about was the possibility of going blind. He called the office right from the exam room and got me set up for October 28. BIG gulp and wait. I haven’t even been able to talk about this let alone write about it.
I listen to people around me making plans for their lives. I hear them planning where they are going to spend the winter, when they’re going to retire, etc, etc. But I feel like my plans always have an “if” in them because I am always in limbo over some diagnosis or procedure. But, then, I realize, that these other people are no different than I am. None of us know what our future holds. It’s just that I’ve lost the innocence of being able to ignore that fact. The ifs are a part of my daily life.
And, another thing I’ve thought about over the past few days is that, just because the eye doctor is concerned about the possible fluid in my eye doesn’t mean that it even exists. Who’s to say that this isn’t just another chemo side effect. Just the other day, I lost a toe nail, compliments of Taxol, a strong chemo drug I was given more than a year ago…the same one that left me with residual neuropathy in my toes and fingers that I still have to this day. And that wasn’t even the strongest drug. Prior to that I had AC chemo which is really powerful. It dried my eyes out so badly I haven’t been able to wear contacts since. So, who’s to say this isn’t just another effect of some of those drugs? Not that I would consider that to be a good thing, but it certainly has to be better than the alternative.
This morning, Pastor John was talking about 9-11. He said something to the effect that what we are dealt in life isn’t what defines us but rather how we deal with what we are dealt. I am trying to apply that not only to what the outcome of these several situations will be but also to how I deal with the fact that I continue to be bombarded with repeated situations like this. I don’t think I can help but worry about these things when they surface. I don’t think I can help but feel a little afraid. But, I think I can manage to not let it overwhelm me and take over my life.
I have weeks of waiting ahead of me again and I can’t change that. It’s definitely a Big Gulp and wait. So, I just have to deal with it. Therefore, I will.
Think of me tomorrow. I HATE IVs. 🙂
Later.
beyondcathystunnel 